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Saturday, July 19, 2003Dear Kobe, The Ford Bronco is gassed up and ready to go. See you soon, -- A.C. posted by Nate on 4:04 AM link Friday, July 18, 2003At the risk of turning this webpage into a sports blog, here's another post on baseball. My CD player broke a few weeks ago. In itself, that's a bad thing, but I'm a silver lining Pollyanna kind of guy. I've been listening to the radio a lot more to compensate, and heard an advertisement for an ongoing promotion at the local minor league ballpark. All summer Budweiser and 103.9 WRBR present "Thirsty Thursday"-- small Michelob Ultra beers for a dollar, and a free rock concert after the game. It's low A ball, but all in all its not a bad deal. So I tossed on my favorite blue Hawaiian shirt, got my motor runnin' and headed out on the highway. Looking for adventure and whatever comes my way. Or something. I arrived "fashionably late" in the second inning and made sure to get seats near the "Budweiser Party Area" down the right field line. Woo hoo! Not every building has a dedicated area for mirth-making, you know. I procured two Mich Ultras (pretty good for a light beer, actually) and settled into the bleachers. Since I was driving, I cut myself off in the sixth inning, but seven twelve ounce beers in 90 minutes made me feel pretty decent. The home South Bend Silverhawks (the Diamondbacks affilliate) gave up five runs in the eighth to lose to the Battle Creek Yankees (the Yankees affilliate, obviously). It was a pitchers' duel until the Yanks beat on the Hawks' relief pitching, and the game lasted about 2:40. Then a hundred, hundred fiddy people crammed into the aptly named Party Area to see the band, a local outfit called 2 North West. They got their groove on, and rocked the Budweiser Party Area for two hours with classic rock covers and that grungey butt-rock music that the kids seem to love these days. They also remade a few seventies disco/funk tunes in the modern style, like a kick-ass version of "I Will Survive." Good deal. Any band that can motivate me to dance the Electric Slide to "Rollercoaster of Love" is A-OK in my book. Also, though his website photo doesn't look it, their lead singer was a dead ringer for a maniacal, meth-tweaked Matt Caracappa. There were a few attractive-- at least after seven Michelob Ultras-- young single girls there, too. I did not attempt any pimp moves, however; although the bar in the Budweiser Party Area served beer until almost midnight, I did not feel that their judgment was sufficiently impaired. Maybe next week I'll try Roofies. It's Date Rape Thursday, brought to you by the South Bend Silverhawks and Alternative Rock 103.9, WRBR! (I'm kidding, of course. In the immortal words of Anthony Keidis, "Be cool tonight. Don't party on anyone's pussy who doesn't want their pussy to be partied upon." Words to live by, my friend. Words to live by.) posted by Nate on 2:13 AM link Thursday, July 17, 2003Today I went to a place strange and mystical, perhaps arcane, even. It is called the Library. It is full of these processed bundles of wood-flesh, upon which are stamped miscellaneous words and incantations. I only go to the library every few months, doing most of my reading on the Internet instead. As an English major and wannabe professional writer, that's embarassing, really. At this Arcane Sanctuary, I procured the much-discussed tome Moneyball by Michael Lewis. It's somewhat interesting so far, though nothing earth-shattering as some have suggested. One of my early impressions is that Billy Beane has a ton of emotional baggage that colors his view of the game, undervaluing defensive players for guys that can get on base-- his main weakness as a pro player. Maybe he feels that hitting is more important than fielding, and has a ton of Microsoft Excel spreadsheets to prove it. Or perhaps defensive prowess is like base stealing, with too much of a monetary premium on excellence to put it within his team budget; that would certainly fit the Jamesian paradigm. I'm not really sure, and thus far the author hasn't told me. But that's not too big of a knock on author Michael Lewis, who has composed an excellent book. And besides, according to the dust jacket, at the end of the day Lewis gets to go home to his beautiful young wife, former MTV newsbabe Tabitha Soren. Hooking up with cable TV news vixens-- yet another reason I would like to be a professional writer. Which is why I need to log off this Internet doohickey and get my sorry behind to the library more. posted by Nate on 6:46 PM link Michigan Police dig up a backyard swimming pool in a search for Jimmy Hoffa's body. I have no response to that. posted by Nate on 12:29 AM link Wednesday, July 16, 2003In an opinion piece, former NYC Democrat mayor Ed Koch writes: I believe that the most important issue facing the world is international terrorism, and it is my current intention to vote for George W. Bush for re-election. I do not agree with him on many domestic issues, ranging from privatizing Social Security to tax reductions favoring the wealthy. However, because of his leadership and successes in the war against international terrorism, he is my current choice in 2004. I feel exactly the same, but for different reasons (if that makes sense). I lean toward the right, but I'm not blind to the fact that the Bush administration has done a terrible job on domestic policy-- protectionist tarriffs, the Ted Kennedy -authored education bill, little progress on partially privatized Social Security accounts, etc. Even the tax cut doesn't make much sense to me; it assumes too much about our present position on the Laffer curve, and doesn't take into account the increase in business owners' risk aversity during a recession. (Sure I'll reinvest my tax cut money in my business-- and thereby grow the economy--, even though my sales are down because my customers HAVE NO FREAKING MONEY!) But international terror is the trump card. The Bush administration has done a heck of a job fighting Al Queda and its enablers. Now, after we flexed some military might in Afghanistan and Iraq, Saudi Arabia is finally getting serious on shutting down Wahhabi clerics. Our presence in the region may be the tipping point for the inevitible Iranian revolution, and things in the Mid East look as good as they've been in twenty five years, if not longer. For some reason, Howard Dean et al. criticizing the administration's best, most important work just doesn't do it for me. The calculus is thus: vote Democrat and you get more, better government services and a more stable job market. Vote Republican and you get a good chance that crazed nutjob jihadists don't murder your family. Math was never my strong point, but geez... posted by Nate on 11:42 PM link Frequent masturbation lowers the risk of prostate cancer, according to Australian scientists. They suspect that frequent ejaculation has a protective effect against the cancer because it prevents dangerous carcinogens from building up in the gland... In a survey of 1,079 prostate cancer patients and 1,259 healthy men, Giles and his team discovered that men who ejaculated more than five times a week in their 20s were a third less likely to develop an aggressive form of the disease. In other news, Australia is mostly populated by cancer-free, blind men with carpal tunnel syndrome. Clarence Carter could not be reached for comment. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to surf the Internet for dirty pictures of Stone Henge. posted by Nate on 10:41 PM link Tuesday, July 15, 2003I have All Star fever! This time it counts! As opposed to all the other times when it didn't count. Tell that to Ray Fosse; if home field advantage in the Series were riding on the outcome, Charlie Hustle might have barreled into home plate wearing chain mail and wielding a machete. Anyway, I just logged off MLB.com, where I voted for All Star MVP. My selection? Tampa Bay's mandatory representative Lance Carter. His teammate Aubrey Huff is better, BTW, though the makeup of the roster dictated a relief pitcher make it; the same thing happened with Mike "6.42 ERA" Williams getting in over Brian Giles. In a sense, my vote is a protest over the "all teams must have a representative" rule and the way it forces managers to play with their rosters and leave deserving guys out. Giles has been one of the top five players in the game the last five years, and he can't get a nod? Also, I figure that, even if Lance Carter has had a mediocre season, his namesake Clarence Carter kicked all manner of musical ass. I stroke it to the East And I stroke it to the West I stroke it to the All Star that I love best I be strokin'!!! The All Star Game on Fox: Stroke it, Lance Carter, but don't stroke so fast. And if Aubrey Huff ain't good enough, you can stick it up your... WOO! UPDATE: The AL rallied for three runs in the eighth to win by a run. Alas, Garret Anderson-- not Clarence, er, Lance Carter-- won the MVP Award. I guess my stuffing the online ballot box couldn't offset the 80% vote of the Baseball Writers of America. posted by Nate on 9:49 PM link Monday, July 14, 2003I watched most of the Home Run Derby tonight. It wasn't as exciting as in years past, since both Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa did not participate, thereby denying us the joy of a 500 foot home run. And thereby denying me the opportunity to make lame current events jokes about the endeavor. ("Anything that's airborne that long should be carrying the West Nile Virus!") Anyway, Garret Anderson beat Albert Pujols, though Pujols put on a real clinic in the second round by whacking a record-tying 14 homers. He and Anderson then went down to the last swing. The most entertaining part, however, was the kids. You know when a player hits a foul ball into a grassy knoll and three or four boys jump the fence and stumble all over each other like hellbent drunken midgets to track it down? Same deal here. Major League Baseball packed the outfield with all manner of young baseball fans who mugged and molested each other in an effort to catch the non-home runs. It was comical to watch these kids careen Lenny Dykstra -like into the fences and into each other in an effort to run down an "out." That they immediately had to throw it back was of no consequence, apparently. It's all about getting face time on ESPN for One Shining Moment, and establishing mad baseball skillz street cred with their homies and hos from around the block. Representing the Three-One-Two, dogg. Keepin' it real. Beeyotch. Some of these "kids" looked like they were at least twenty years old, and they would reach over top of the little squirts to rob them of their moment of fame. Towering over the doomed littl'uns Godzilla-like, as if they were Tokyo pluckily fighting off the inevitible vicious rogering. Until Mothra shows up, that is. He was a real shitkicker. ("Anything that's airborne that long should be shooting pink lightning out of its mouth and shrieking!") One of these Danny Almonte Wannabes ran over some kids, leapt at the fence, and almost took back a home run. These kids were determined; these kids were serious. This time, it counts. The only thing that would have been more amusing would have been requiring these kids to wear Sausage Race costumes. Randall Simon could have thrown the batting practice pitches. He could even have the Comiskey Park PA Announcer introduce him as "Abe Frohman, Sausage King of Chicago." That would sure pack the seats. For the casual fan, The Sausage King is the best thing baseball's got going right now. He's very popular, Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads-- they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude. In the postgame show, Ben Stein could then discuss the finer points of the Hawley-Smoot Tarriff. The Home Run Derby on ESPN-- We Haven't Seen Balls Squashed Like That Since Cameron Crossed Ed Rooney. This time, it counts. Beeyotch. posted by Nate on 11:57 PM link Enjoy a silly Missing Weapons of Mass Destruction parody. (Not created by me, alas.) posted by Nate on 11:17 PM link Sunday, July 13, 2003Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett has got some 'splaining to do. ESPN reports that the NCAA is conversing with Clarett over financial and academic piccadillos. He is buddies with LeBron James, and the NCAA wants to make sure Clarett didn't get any free Wes Unseld throwback jerseys or Hummer rides or anything. On the academic front, after walking out on his midterm exam, Clarett passed his African-American Studies class by taking oral-- not written-- exams. The professor claims that non-athletes also had that option. Ohio State is 10th (of eleven) Big Ten schools is student athlete graduation rate. ESPN writes: Ohio State has had problems with academics in the past. In 2000, a year before coach Jim Tressel took over for John Cooper, wide receiver Reggie Germany was declared ineligible for the Outback Bowl after recording a 0.0 GPA for the fall quarter. To paraphrase Animal House, "Mr. Germany HAS no grade point average." posted by Nate on 6:52 PM link
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your stolen base are belong to Rickey Henderson. Questions or comments? Email nate@swankypimp.com |
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