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Friday, July 11, 2003I saw Terminator 3 tonight. Hot Scandanavian robot chick kills people, lots of shit blows up-- it's all good. And Mmmmm.... Claire Danes. Excuse me, The Angelic Claire Danes. I wondered where she had wandered off to. It's funny how actresses do that-- right when you think they're ready to become megastars, they disappear for a few years. Like Cameron Diaz after The Mask, or Sandra Bullock after Speed. It's like they have to delay becoming The Next Big Thing (TM) to go to an Actress Finishing School in the mountains of Kazakhstan. Or maybe their agents keep putting them in stupid, low budget films like the ones they had initial success in, and the actress needs to find new representation. Like that stupid Cameron Diaz flick with Harvey Keitel locking people in the basement, or whatever. There are a lot of actresses who should make "The Leap" but whose agents be keepin' them down. Example One: Amanda Peet. Example Two: The entire cast of Friends. Seriously, other than Ace Ventura, Courteney Cox's finest acting achievement was Masters of the Universe, with Dolph Lundgren as He-Man. Although her partying on stage with The Boss in the "Dancing in the Dark" video is more than Joey Tribiani could ever hope to accomplish, professionally or otherwise. But I digress. To sum up: Terminator 3 was cool. Claire Danes = Babe. Nordic Internet Grrl kills people, and all manner of things catch fire. And oh, the Soon to Be Governor of California plays a minor role, also. posted by Nate on 10:14 PM link The Randall Simon incident reminds me of something that happened during our Detroit trip six weeks back-- The Great Doughnut Race. During the Detroit Tigers' games there is a simulated doughnut race on the scoreboard. It's like a sausage race, only it's sponsored by Dunkin' Donuts, and you can win free food-- e.g. right field wins a free doughnut and coffee if the anthropomorphic Bagel crosses the finish line first. It is pretty fly, really, with leet Tomb Raider style 3d graphics and shit. And "Anthropomorphic Bagel" would be a great name for a rock band. Anyway, George and I were in town for the Yankees series and sat up in the nosebleeds with some boisterous New Yorkers. Why were they boisterous? Because they were highschoolers / college underclassmen on summer vacation in a big city, for one. Also, they had ingested some "performance-enhancing herbal supplements" in the parking lot. The ring leader was a skinny white kid with the eye-obfuscating mop of curly dark hair, and he was cracking me up all game with his creative insults for the players, Tigers and Yankees alike. It was a low scoring, low excitement game. The weather was overcast and windy, and the players looked uninterested. As did the crowd. So the sixth inning Sausage, er Donut, Race was just the thing to get the adrenaline pumping for the deciding innings. The contestants were Bagel, Doughnut, and Coffee. Even though we were in the "Doughnut" section (I think), Wirey Mop Top Stoner Guy persuaded everyone near us to root for Coffee. Why? For the love of Monkeypox, I have no idea. But Coffee it was. We were psyched. Too psyched. Living and dying on each minor eploit of jogging electronic danish. Mop Top screaming: Come on Coffee!!! Beat the Friggin' Doughnut!! Go Coffee!!! [Coffee takes the lead.] Yeaaaaah!!! Yeaaaaah! You the man, Coffee. Come on, you can do it! All right! [Bagel turns on the jets and catches Coffee. They're neck-and-neck down the stretch.] Come on, Coffee! You can beat him! Come on! DON'T BE A PUSSY, COFFEE!!! [Bagel pulls away and wins.] Coffee, you pussy! You broke my heart. Best. Line. Ever. For the rest of the trip, I would occasionally start chuckling for no reason. When George asked me why, I would tell him, "Don't be a pussy, Coffee!" posted by Nate on 9:32 PM link Thursday, July 10, 2003Pittsburgh Pirate first baseman Randall Simon was questioned by police after assaulting the sausage (not a euphemism). During the between-innings sausage race at last night's Pirates / Brewers game, Simon whacked the Italian Sausage mascot with his bat as she ran by. She fell, knocking over the Hot Dog mascot. Both meat-themed mascots fell on their "buns" (har har). The oversized Bratwurst won the race, as neither the Sausage nor the Hot Dog could "catch up." UPDATE: Simon was fined $432 after being "grilled" by the police. UPDATE 2: Major League Baseball has "meated" out its punishment: $2,000 and a three game suspension. posted by Nate on 11:14 AM link The NFL Supplemental Draft is today. Woot! Essentially, teams select a handful of guys who are ineligible to play college ball this year (Dumb-asses and gimps, mostly). In return, they forfeit their normal draft pick the following year. For example, in 1989 Dallas took Miami quarterback Steve Walsh in the first round of the supplemental draft; as a result, they lost the #1 pick the following season (D'oh!). Three years later, the New York Giants made a similar move for QB Dave Brown. Because of the high risk / low reward, teams don't really do much in the first few rounds of the Supplemental Draft unless there is an amazing can't miss prospect, like Bernie Kosar in 1985. Last year, Houston took a lineman in the sixth round. The supplemental draft is slightly more interesting this year because of Georgia Tech running back Tony Hollings, who some feel could have been a first round pick next year. He's a raw talent and only played in four games last year before blowing out his knee, but was leading the nation in rushing at the time. He's no Willis McGahee, but his knee is healthy, and he is expected to go in the third or fourth round. Seems like a reasonable gamble. FYI, the Lions selected RB Artose Pinner in the fourth round of the normal draft, a guy who isn't as physically talented as Hollings and was coming off a catostrophic leg injury at the time. If Hollings is available in round four, I'd take him. Earl Cochran and Noah "Come On Get" Happe are undersized, but might be decent pick ups late in the draft to add some D-line depth. And Happe can long snap, which the New York Giants will tell you is an underrated skill. UPDATE: The Houston Texans spent a second round choice on Hollings. I'm surprised, since they'll have to forfeit a likely top 40 pick next year. posted by Nate on 11:03 AM link Tuesday, July 08, 2003ABC News anchor-- and annoying, socialist know-it-all jerkwad-- Peter Jennings becomes an American Citizen. Thanks a freakin' lot, Canada! First you badmouth the war effort, then give us SARS, and now this!!! If it weren't for your much appreciated contributions of hockey and the McKenzie Brothers' Christmas Song, we'd invade the Great White North and conquer you hosers in aboot ten seconds flat, eh? posted by Nate on 7:33 PM link According to University of British Columbia Researchers, Stonehenge is an ancient fertility symbol meant to resemble the female genitals. Apparently, when seen from the air, the Henge is a fairly detailed rendering of the birth canal. "Stonehenge could represent the opening by which the Earth Mother gave birth to the plants and animals on which ancient people so depended," says Anthony Perks, whose article appears in The Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine. Interesting, though this gives the dancing midget scene from Spinal Tap all sorts of disturbing implications. posted by Nate on 7:14 PM link Monday, July 07, 2003Technology kicks ass. Italian researchers have created a new handheld device that detects cancer. It's sorta like the tricorders on Star Trek, or those wands security guards wave over you at sporting events. Only they're looking for The Big C, not guns, knives, and contraband potato chips and beer. You no longer have to lie motionless in an MRI chamber for a half hour to get tested; your doctor can "wand" you in five minutes. It is also less expensive. The Tissue Resonance InterferoMeter Probe (TRIMprob) produces microwaves, and when the microwaves hit a tumor, the tumor resonates at 400 MHz, interfering with the original signal. TRIMprob was 93% accurate in finding tumors in people who have prostate cancer, and diagnosed 82% of healthy patients as being cancer-free. It was 66% accurate in discovering breast cancer. TRIMprob will be in Italian clinics for prostate cancer scanning in September, and trials for lung, stomach, liver and colorectal cancer are underway. posted by Nate on 4:02 PM link
posted by Nate on 1:42 AM link Sunday, July 06, 2003Happy Independence Day, two days late. I feel like I should have posted an animated gif of an American flag or something for the occasion. Alas, as you readers know, I am a lazy bastard. I am also a licensed teacher, and I am trying my damndest to leave no child behind. So for you crazy kids who have no concept of history, here's a little rap tune to remind you what the holiday is (was) about. Tupac would be proud. If he weren't dead, I mean. The Dizzety of Indepizzity by T-Jeff and the Founders When in the course of human events We gots a right to bust caps in yo ass King George III can suck my cock I'll wax a red coat with my motherfucking Glock Wit my #1 nigga, Johnny Hancock Keepin us down, you English hos gots to pay Gettin in our colonial faces each day Up in our bizness taxing stamps and tea, fool Now you gots to deal with my G's and me, fool Call me busdriver-- I'll take your army to preschool So sip Courvosier and smoke some grass Let me see where you Patriots and Pimps is at Put your hands in the air if you support this endeavor Sheeeat. Enlightenment Thinking Thug Life forever It's about Independence, beeyotch. So fuck the player haters-- United States is all up in this motherfucker. Peace Out. posted by Nate on 4:48 AM link
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your stolen base are belong to Rickey Henderson. Questions or comments? Email nate@swankypimp.com |
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