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Off-Wing

Sarah Michelle Gellar is moderately attractive.

Enjoy a picture of a fine-looking Wildebeest.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

You can't get much more American than Mom and Apple Pie Chewbacca

On Monday, Peter Mayhew, 60, will be among 441 people from 77 countries who will become naturalized Americans in a ceremony in Arlington, Texas.



Now that he's a citizen, Chewbacca can hold public office, or join the Bush administration. I'm thinking he can tour the Middle East and "pursuade" the terrorists to give up. He can dis-arm rogue countires-- literally. Droids don't pull people's arms out of their sockets when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that.

Or, he could be the next Supreme Court nominee. First off, he's like 200 years old, and presumably wise. Wookies are both technologically advanced star pilots and immensely strong hand-to-hand warriors, a complex duality that will incorporate unparalleled empathy into his decisions. After seeing his people enslaved by the Empire, Chewbacca escaped into a charlatan survivalist lifestyle, forging an identity both as a rugged survivor as well as a compassionate check on Han Solo's mercenary nature. Chewbacca is a man, err, Wookie of all seasons. Urban and gritty, a noble savage, the coolest tall hairy bow hunter guy this side of Ted Nugent.

Most importantly, his role in jurisprudence is cemented in Johnnie Cochrane's Chewbacca Defense from South Park.

So petition the Bush White House; if a compromising video comes out showing Harriet Miers partying with the Minnesota Vikings, Chewbacca is our guy. If Chewbacca lived on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.

words of wisdom
from Mr. Barry White

Josef Stalin killed over 20 million people. What evil deeds have you accomplished today?