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Thursday, September 08, 2005This is the absolute worst virus ever. When it determines that a pornographic Web site is being shown, the Trojan minimizes that window and displays a message from the Koran instead, Sophos said. I guess this means that it is our Patriotic duty to look at as much pr0n as is humanly possible. I mean, sure I'd rather go to the opera or take artistic photographs of trees, but if I don't visit Larry Flynt's website right now, the terrorists will have won. posted by Nate on 11:26 PM link Wednesday, September 07, 2005Most Awesome Headline of Today: (and soon to be the overarching metaphor of a Chuck Pahlaniuk novel) Suicide Grasshoppers Brainwashed by Parasite Worms [H]airworms, which live inside grasshoppers, pump the insects with a cocktail of chemicals that makes them commit suicide by leaping into water. The parasites then swim away from their drowning hosts to continue their life cycle. Remember, kids, T.S. Eliot was right. Fear death by water. posted by Nate on 1:29 AM link Monday, September 05, 2005The big news this weekend (aside from You Know What) has been the death of Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist. The Network News is going crazy about how conservative he was, and implying that we badly need a moderate / liberal to balance the past twenty years of Insane Republican jurisprudence. You know, the twenty years that has upheld the legality of abortion, preserved affirmative action, and struck down laws prohibiting gay sex. The other talking point is how George "the W is for Warmonger" Bush will get to appoint two Supreme Court justices. This will unbalance the delicate temprament of something or other, and allow religious nutballs to shoot guns at minorities and outlaw women. Actually, it isn't that rare for a president to select multiple justices. Clinton had two, Bush I had two, Reagan had two. Even Gerald Ford got a nominee. Nixon had three (including Rehnquist), and Johnson and Kennedy each had two. Dwight D. Eisenhower had four. In fact, Jimmy Carter is the only president in the last century that hasn't appointed anyone to the Supreme Court. This, of course, proves without a doubt that there is a God, and that He wants us to be happy. posted by Nate on 1:37 AM link Sunday, September 04, 2005I've spent the weekend so far messing around with turning my computer into a TIVO-type deal. The TV tuner card I have doesn't work right, and the replacement I'm thinking of getting does not include a remote control, so I figured I''d hit up the Electronic Bay. (You might refer to him as eBay, but my parents raised me to be more formal.) Now, working in the computer field where most everything is made overseas, I see poorly translated tech manuals every day. They usually make enough sense for you to operate the product, but sometimes contain some exceedingly funny phrases commonly referred to as Engrish. This eBay product description had me in stitches all morning... First off, "self-contained digitally amusement project" is the greatest term of all time, hands down. I think it's the word amusement that pushes it over the edge. Certainly I've thought of my computer as something that can entertain me, but as something that could amuse me? I usually consider amusement the realm of stand up comedians. Come to think of it, there was that Robin Williams movie where he played a robot butler. A Digitally Amusement Project would likely consist of Robot Robin Williams in full-on coked-up rapid fire joke-telling mode, only with a distorted bad sci-fi robot voice. I would definitely pay money to see that. Second, I like how the "interface operate too easily." This sounds like a design flaw. One would think that, like Goldilocks and the bears, you could have the Too Difficult interface, the Just Right interface, and the Too Easy interface. I imagine the Too Difficult interface would have 97 buttons with cryptic names like "GDYZ PERF" and "ANR-INT," and, conversely, the Too Easy interface would have one giant button marked "Do Stuff." (Insert obligatory Apple mouse joke here.) Finally, I am exceedingly happy that this product "Let you full azimuth". Huh? Azimuth sounds like the name of an eight foot tall demonic video game boss with, I dunno, horns and a barbed tail and spikey shoulder armor and a giant flaming axe. And all the standard video game boss accessories as well, like Theme Music and a Special Move. I'm not really sure how this remote lets you full him, though. Later in the product description, I'm told "Insert... into your disk Crom ,then you can use the remote control to operate." Crom!?! Slowly it dawned on me: This device lets me operate the god from the Conan the Barbarian movies!!! Maybe the remote summons Crom to cause a diversion. While he and Azimuth fight, your guy sneaks past to the next level. "Ha Ha! Fooled you, Azimuth!" Wow, this remote is the coolest thing ever!!! Where's the Buy It Now button? Sadly, Google revealed that "Full Azimuth" is an astronomy term referring to a star's angle in relation to North. =( I guess the description was trying to convey that the remote works from wide angles, not that it was a special cheat device for Diablo 3. Oh well, if I ever form a Pink Floyd tribute band, I will totally call it Full Azimuth. And when we perform at the state fair, our fliers will say in 72 point Courier New font "Witness the self-contained digitally amusement project LIVE!" posted by Nate on 11:43 AM link
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your stolen base are belong to Rickey Henderson. Questions or comments? Email nate@swankypimp.com |
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