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Friday, November 05, 2004Wrigley Field groundskeepers found a rusty grenade in the outfield Wednesday. 1060 West Addison must be the next front in the War On Terror. Maybe Joliet Jake should challenge Osama Bin Laden to an eating contest: first man to finish four fried chickens and a Coke rescinds his jihad. Or our energy policy could revolve around turning goat piss into gasoline. Then again, Al Qeada thinks they're on a Mission From God. No wonder Sammy hightailed it out of there. Anyway, back to the grenade. "It's a dud, just like the Cubs were," police spokesman Pat Camden said Wednesday. Heh. posted by Nate on 11:44 PM link Thursday, November 04, 2004Behold The Greatest Site Ever. Okay, maybe not. But it does have this wonderful Pimp Slap How-To:   
By the way, you can now refer to me as Crazy Eyes N. Loco. posted by Nate on 8:22 PM link Wednesday, November 03, 2004
WOOT!I was at work (how Republican of me) refreshing foxnews.com every twenty minutes when I saw that Senator Kerry finally conceded Ohio and the Presidential race. We watched the speech live via streaming video. And there was much rejoicing. (YAAY!) Unfortunately, my other candidates (Libertarians, except for random peeps like Reagents of Wayne State University) lost miserably, as expected. I'm principled and stuff, with theories about justice and government coercion, and a desire to make smoking non-medical marijuana legal: a well-filled bong makes Ted Koppel's serious-journalistic-guy toupee become transcendent comedy gold. 
Oh, and my write-in votes: I didn't honestly think "Diarrhea-cha-cha-cha" would become the next City Treasurer, but I voted for her anyway. Poll Master. posted by Nate on 8:24 PM link Tuesday, November 02, 2004While I waited in line to vote today, a few observations emerged from the ether and floated across my consciousness. 1) There was a gigantic voter turnout. Over two hundred people in my small town by 8:45 am. This favors the challenger, and Democrats in general, I suppose. Then again, I thought Dole would keep it close in '96 and Bush would hammer Gore in 2000, so I have no idea. 2) The voting equipment here is manufactured by a company called "Poll Master." Heh heh. Maybe I'll write in Beavis for city council. 3) Please shoot me before I get cantankerous and old. There are a heck of a lot of seniors here who have no clue how to darken a circle with a number two pencil. There were three spoiled ballots since I got there, and there were not enough election people there to deal with our seasoned citizens. And one old guy kept TALKING A BIT TOO LOUD about voting against the Republicans. 4) In order to prevent voter fraud, our ballots are not-so-secret. Each has a number which is recorded on the voter rolls. Interestingly, in order to prove that we are registered we had to fill out and sign a form. They made us fill out the form in pencil. The only part written in ink was the signature of the election official. This seems like a very good way to prevent fraud. On Opposite Day. 5) The best thing that can come of this election is not a Bush victory or a Kerry victory, but is getting Michael Moore to shut the hell up. Farenheit 911 was a wonderful, impartial documentary, raves noted film critic critic Leni Reifenstahl. Not only does it depict Bush as incompetent, but as an Evil Saudi Conspirator. Wow, what a multitasker! I swear if Moore becomes some sort of political kingmaker, I'll have to make like Alec Baldwin and move to France, or at least start drinking more heavily. Wait, it's impossible for me to drink more heavily than I do already. Maybe I'll have to start on the harder stuff: my uncle says that smoking crack is kinda cool. Perhaps I can go to Alaska and bogart some medical marijuana, since I have glaucoma or V.D. or something. It would take my mind off the fact that the state's roughly as cold as Hillary Clinton's naughty bits. </end blatant partisan cheap shot> 6) Hrmmm.... With the large voter turnout, can it be said that America had a gigantic morning election? If this thing lasts over four hours, should I call a physician? I knew I shouldn't trust those Ciallis-chugging, outdoor-bathtub-lounging jerkwads. Or Mike Ditka. Huh huh. Poll Master. posted by Nate on 9:59 PM link
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your stolen base are belong to Rickey Henderson. Questions or comments? Email nate@swankypimp.com |
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