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Monday, April 12, 2004And she’s watchin’ him with those eyes And she’s lovin’ him with that body, I just know it And he’s holding her in his arms late, late at night You know I wish that I had Jessie’s girl I wish that I had Jessie’s girl Where can I find a woman like that --Rick Springfield Son of a biscuit! Rebecca Romijn divorces one of my favorite people in the world, John Stamos. Why do I love John Stamos so? First, because he could get a leggy blonde supermodel so far out of his league it's like she's playing a different sport. Stamos is decent looking so it's no Lyle Lovett-Julia Roberts deal, but all the same it gives hope to all us loser drunk guys who live in our parents' basement and think impure thoughts about smurf blue X-Men mutant superheros. Secondly, I mean SHEESH-- 'cause he's Uncle Jesse, man. On Full House Uncle Jesse was The Shit. He rocked the meanest hockey hair this side of Barry Melrose and wore a black leather jacket and played drums with the muhfuggin Beach Boys for cryin' out loud! Not to mention the effed up episodes where Stamos donned a porno moustache and played Jesse's lecherous Greek cousin, Uncle Stavros. I still can't get over the scene where Stavros tries to date rape Aunt Becky in the kitchen and she threatens to stab him in the throat with a sharpened piece of carrot. Rock on, Stamos, rock on. My junior year of college I based my schedule around Full House-- I would come home from class at five o'clock, pour myself an enormous gin and tonic, and dial up the Tanner family on cable. Come to think of it, back then I was also visiting Dave Coulier (Uncle Joey)'s web site on a regular basis and reminiscing on how Roseanne and other contemporary sitcoms were about disfunction and how Full House, Cosby, and the other shows of my youth were sappy but comforting in their affirmation of the family unit. I also have fond memories of my roommate Oliver inquiring what the hell was wrong with me for getting drunk every afternoon and watching John Fricking Stamos. What can I say? That was back when I couldn't even afford $12 gin, so my judgment was exceedingly impaired. posted by Nate on 10:46 PM link Sunday, April 11, 2004Happy Easter, everyone. Today, of course, is a joyous commemoration of the day where Our Lord Jesus Christ (Mel Gibson) rose from the dead, dressed himself in one of those zany "bunny ears headbands" you win as a prize at the school youth group's Carnival Daze, and used vinegar and Paas tablets to make eggs turn funky neon green. Children the whole world over love Christ's viridian-colored hard-boiled chicken embryos. Except Sam I Am, that is, but he was Jewish anyway. That's also the reason he did not like the ham. (Yes, I am going to hell for that joke. Get on the bus with me, Leary, and Martin Scorcese.) Anyway, you're probably wondering what the status of this blog is. Well, I'm wondering the same thing. It's been over one year since my computer started spewing forth these humorous rants, fully formed, like Pallas Athena springing from the stalwart head of Zeus, or like something else vaguely mythic that involves one thing improbably birthed out of another. Some of these rants have been Good, some of these rants have been Bad, and some of these rants have been Dancing Ambiguously Gay Cowboy. Wait-- wrong Clint Eastwood western flick. But while it's apropos, I had no idea Lee Marvin could sing like that. I digress. Where was I-- oh yeah, swankypimp.com. The last few weeks have been nuts for me, as my web hosting went south, I got a job promotion, and I've been trying to get my tax return done. (If anyone asks, we had a $400 business dinner on August 12th.) I'll probably get back to blogging in the next week or two. Check back soon for more wacky, sacreligious hijinks. posted by Nate on 11:10 PM link
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your stolen base are belong to Rickey Henderson. Questions or comments? Email nate@swankypimp.com |
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