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Saturday, February 14, 2004
Happy Valentines' Day! Usually for me that means getting drunk in the dark, listening to the Cure and sobbing uncontrollably. But not this year! No sir, this year I plan on watching porn DVDs with the TV at maximum volume-- that way I'll fool my neighbors into thinking I'm getting some action. posted by Nate on 11:03 PM link Thursday, February 12, 2004What the fuck are those rat-things in the Quiznos commercials? First off, if I were advertising my submarine sandwich business I would not use rodents of any kind, even Mickey Mouse (TM). What kind of message does that send, that we have rats but since they're the cozy cuddly type it's okay that they leave their droppings in the food? What's next, the Jimmy John's Cockroach Dance Team? However, the Quiznos people went one better; they made the rats have deformed faces that bring to mind a chemical dumping scandal. It's like Love Canal: the Restaurant. Come on down to Quiznos, where our food contains so much industrial waste that the rats are born without noses! But on the bright side they die of cancer before their droppings can make their way into the smokey chipotle pepper sauce. Bring your kids and get a dollar off! The rat-things have nothing on the kittens from rathergood.com, even if he did remove the Viking Kittens Tribute to Led Zeppelin. posted by Nate on 10:38 PM link Wednesday, February 11, 2004I've been a Big Head Todd and the Monsters fan for a decade now (boy that makes me feel old). Their latest album, Crimes of Passion, was released Tuesday and I was one of the first to pick it up. (Here is a recent article on them in case you have no idea what I'm talking about.) The band is great because (a) they are a legitimate blues rock band, and (b) they write songs about complicated people dealing with things.* A good example is "Monument in Green" from Midnight Radio, a song about an old man reminiscing about his life and deceased wife, and utlimately finding serenity in death. CoP's "Beauty Queen" follows in this tradition as it follows the life of a woman who is used by men her whole life and, once she finally finds happiness, has it taken from her. Life goes on however, both for her and her children. The new album is another good effort but different stylistically than my favorite BHTM releases. Their early records plus 1997's Beautiful World-- one of the greatest rock records ever-- have a more bluesy feel than Strategem and their last two albums. They hit you immediately, while the newer material doesn't impress as much on the first listening but stays with you. The former were fueled by the band's roots as a live band, featuring a creeping buildup to explosive virtusoso guitar solos and Todd's tremendous vocal range. The latter are a bit more subdued and slick in order to make a point about life and love in an emotionally exhausted, gritty postmodern environment; it's the difference between emotional attachment to every small thing (Thoreau's sucking the marrow from life) and a Buddhist sort of acceptance of things you cannot change (the lyrics to Strategem were koans). But I digress. Regardless of your view on human nature, Big Head Todd and the Monsters have delivered yet another album that rocks, chock full o' rich, meaningful lyrics. Buy it now or I'll be forced to pimp slap you like "Darkness" Charlie Murphy. I'm Rick James, bitch! --------- *Obligatory Simpsons reference: Lisa: Forget it, Dad. Oh, I guess I'm never gonna be your Broadway baby. Homer: That's not true, honey. You can always write a depressing Broadway play of some kind. Lisa: You think so? Marge: Sure, it could be a story about people coming to terms with things. Homer: Hey, yeah! You could load it up with lots of swears! That's what David Mamet does. Lisa: Oh, I love you guys! posted by Nate on 11:19 PM link Monday, February 09, 2004I saw the Nigel Marven "Hiding From Sea Monsters" documentary on Discovery last night. It was pretty badass, with CGI putting Nigel face to face with some pre-dinosaur baddies, like Megalodon, the seventy foot shark. The computer animation was very good, especially since it's really hard to get things moving in water to look right. The Sea Scorpions were especially impressive, since-- being Nigel's size-- they had a lot of fine detail. Take that, John Goodman-narrated Walking with Dinosaurs! I still find it hard to believe that millions of years before before plants had adapted to grow on land, there were bus-sized e-FREAKING-normous squids roaming the seas. Utterly ridiculous. It does put things in perspective, tough; I mean, I don't care too much for my job and my place in worker-bee-mentality America, but it beats the hell out of being eaten for breakfast by Megalodon. Even Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfus are no match for that fucker. posted by Nate on 11:38 AM link Sunday, February 08, 2004I watched about ten minutes of the NFL Pro Bowl tonight, including Chad Johnson screaming down the field for a ninety yard touchdown. Second longest in Pro Bowl history, in fact. What the audience may have missed on was Detroit Lion Dre Bly falling all over himself and slipping to the turf, letting Johnson get so wide open I mistook him for Paris Hilton's thighs. Hooray! Not only do the Lions realize that they need a true #1 corner and pursue one in the draft or free agency, but swankypimp.com gets more web traffic due to the people who run a Google search for "Paris Hilton's thighs." A winnar is me. In other All Star news, they played a hockey contest today. Joe Sakic was named MVP of the NHL All Star Game. Three cheers for Sakic! Incidentally, whenever I have Sakic, I get a tube of antifungal cream and hope it's not VD. posted by Nate on 10:46 PM link Mark Steyn improbably links Janet Jackson's breasts to a discussion of President Bush's $2.5 trillion budget proposal. And it's not even a "politicians are boobs" joke, either! Did you know that a couple of weeks ago the president signed an $820 billion appropriations bill that, among other boondoggles, puts the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland on the public dime? That's right: rock 'n' roll -- the most ruthlessly corporate industry in the world -- apparently requires the tax dollars of America's widows and spinsters. If every rock star donated just 1 percent of what he's spent on drugs since 1966, you could have the most lavish Hall of Fame in the world. But he won't, so you have to pay up instead. One day you'll swing by and in the Jackson Family exhibit there'll be an animatronic recreation of Janet's dancing breast: your tax dollars at work. posted by Nate on 5:31 PM link
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your stolen base are belong to Rickey Henderson. Questions or comments? Email nate@swankypimp.com |
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