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Thursday, June 26, 2003NBA Draft: The Darko Ages begin in Detroit... I have a good feeling about Milicic, though I hope he isn't Sam Bowie to Carmelo Anthony's M.J. In either case he has a lucrative career ahead of him as a blindfolded celebrity endorser for a Spanish language chicken restaurant. I can see the ad now: "DARKO!?!" "POLLO!!!" And Darko comes from a depressing, wartorn wasteland decimated by violent ethnic conflict, so he'll fit right in in Detroit. Speaking of tall European guys, New Yorkers were enthused over the selection of Majiec Lampe. His first name is pronounced "Matches," which makes him sound like a 1920's ganster who would wear a red fedora and Jalen Rose's pinstriped draft day pimp suit. Albert "Matches" Lampray, a shady character that takes guff from no-one. Alternatively, Majiec Lampe's name could be Americanized as "Magic Lamp." The Magic Lamp-- if slutty NBA groupies rub him, does a genie emerge and grant them three wishes? No, wait: that's Shawn Kemp that they rub. But instead of granting wishes, he gives them illegitimate children. The Pistons spent all three of their draft choices on foreign players. It almost sounds like an off-color joke, "A Serb, an Argentine, and a Greek walk into a bar..." Twenty international players were drafted overall, and David Stern and Rod Thorne tripped all over themselves trying to pronounce each of their names. "The Milwaukee Bucks select Skwee, er, Szymon Sekwuh, er, Szewczyk. Yeah, Szymon Szewczyk, just like I said." Funny stuff. I also loved Dick Vitale hyping each and every college player like he's the next coming of Bob Cousy, and spewing vitriolic rants about "globalization" ruining the NBA. You tell 'em, Coach. Those damn flashy Europeans, stealing jobs from hard-working Prairie kids who play the game the Right Way (TM). Wait a minute, who died and made him Don Cherry? posted by Nate on 11:56 PM link Blogger was down all day yesterday while they upgraded. A few things I wanted to post but couldn't: 1) Dan Hunter and F. Gregory Lastowka wrote an interesting article about virtual societies. They discuss fraud, violence, and economic behavior in the on-line worlds of Everquest, etc. Interesting stuff. 2) 37 year old Roy Tarpley has appllied for reinstatement to the NBA. The seventh pick in the 1986 Draft was kicked out of the league multiple times for cocaine and alcohol abuse. Were a team to take a gamble on a 37 year old rebounder with a troubled past who has been out of the league for seven years, I'd wonder what substances the general manager was on. 3) The Public Domain Enhancement Act was introduced into Congress. Since copyrights often last 120 years, this is a good first step to get them back to the short term, useful arts and sciences -promoting monopolies the founders intended. The act "offers American copyright owners with continuing interest in works an easy way to maintain their copyrights while allowing abandoned works to enter the public domain. It requires that American copyright owners pay a simple $1 fee to maintain their copyrights 50 years after publication. If the owner fails to pay the $1 fee, the copyright expires and the work enters the public domain. " 4) THREE CHEERS FOR SODOMY! posted by Nate on 12:42 PM link Tuesday, June 24, 2003One would think that of all companies, Disney would understand synergy. Instead, Disney-owned ABC and ESPN are crippling the NBA. To accommodate their television schedule, they and the league stretched out the playoffs to such an extent that casual fans lost interest. And now, rather than use the power of the Internet to promote the game and ultimately grow their TV ratings, they're concentrating on short term financial considerations. That's right; just about everything ESPN.com has about the NBA Draft is part of their "Insider" subscription service. Rather than read up about the incoming talent like Chris Bosh, whom I have seen play a grand total of One Time, I am forcefed a page of articles like "Evaluating the Top Prospects: Pay Us Lots of Money and Find Out Who'll Be Good." In a league modelled around superstar worship, how can a casual fan have a rooting interest in a guy they know nothing about? This is a major problem since a third of the first round will be European sensations most people know little of. Sure I know that Darko Milicic is 7'1 and that Sofoklis Shortsanitsis is dubbed "Euro Shaq." But I want to know everything about them. I want to read article upon article about what they've accomplished and how their games will translate to the NBA. I want to have a rooting interest in a guy from Day One, to identify The Next Big Thing early on in his career. That was the point of all the LeBron James hype, right? So why is it that, two days before the draft, I'm spending the evening on ESPN's web site not reading about Michael Sweetney, but finding several insightful free articles about football Training Camp? What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are they running there? UPDATE: About ten minutes after posting, I went back to ESPN.com to find that they posted four new free articles on the draft. Better, but not nearly the quantity or quality I would expect from the network that televises the sport. CNNSI is holding its own against them, even though ESPN had viviously pimp slapped them in draft coverage for the other major sports. posted by Nate on 11:48 PM link Monday, June 23, 2003I spent the weekend watching bad-to-mediocre movies on cable. I don't watch a lot of movies, especially in the theater. There's just something that bugs me about dedicating two or three hours to an activity; if I'm watching TV or playing on the computer and it happens to go on for three hours it's all right, but actually putting aside three hours in advance makes it a waste of time. It's magic. As if Slackulus the Elf waves his Wand of Lazy Bastardry over my head whenever I enter the movie theater. Yes, I am sketchy. Every summer I'm compelled to watch a bunch of movies to compensate. At least this way I stay reasonably up to date on pop culture. (Word to your mother, that MC Hammer rocks, yo!) For example, thanks to Austin Powers 3 I know what Beyonce looks like. And that's a good thing. If I had no shame, this is where I'd insert a gratuitous cheesecake photo of her. If I had no shame, that is. Okay, fine. I'm a whore.  This weekend I saw Bourne Identity, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, and Spiderman. Yes, I did not see Spiderman until this weekend, a year after it was released. I'm glad; it was pretty terrible. More on that in a moment. As you wait for your computer to open your e-mail program so you can write me nasty things, let me quickly comment on the other films. Bourne Identity was entertaining but wasn't what I expected. I thought it would focus on Bourne finding out who he is against a backdrop of international intrigue, chock full o' double agents and other dubious characters he and the audience don't know if he can trust. A slick, sophisticated thriller that keeps the viewer guessing. (Heh, I should write copy for movie posters.) Instead, it was a pretty straightforward action flick without any notable plot twists. Memento it ain't. However, Matt Damon was more believable than I thought he'd be as a kung-fu superagent who blows shit up. He's come a long way since Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season. Speaking of which, Jay and Silent Bob was surprisingly good. Probably because I had exceedingly low expectations for it. Aside from Clerks, I don't especially care for Kevin Smith's films; they have some funny situations, but he doesn't know how to use them to advance a cohesive plot. And his plots are pretty lame to begin with. With Jay and Silent Bob, he decided to jettison all pretext for a believable plot and make it into a postmodern fantasy romp, full of pop culture parody and references to his previous films. And I sorta enjoyed it, and I wasn't even drunk. (Drunk Nate has no taste and will watch things like "The Best Damn Sports Show Period" and laugh hysterically like Dudley Moore in Arthur. Like Beeyonce Cheescake Photo Posting Nate, he is a whore.) Anyway, here's the main event. The Amazing Spiderman. Where to begin? This thing was the biggest piece of big-budget Hollywood detritus since Star Wars Episode 1. And apparently the cast of Spiderman took writing, directing, and acting lessons from George Lucas. They invest the first hour of the movie on plot development, and yet we don't give two shits about the characters. Peter Parker is a whiney, angst-ridden teenager who complains in a very annoying voice. Whenever it's necessary to advance the plot, that is. He lusts after his neighbor, Mary Jane, who apparently is working her way through dating the entire highschool. coughSlutcough. Pete's buddy Harry is next on her list, though he doesn't tell Peter. Come to think of it, Harry doesn't do much of anything in this movie. He and Peter never spend time together and have absolutely no comradrie-- it's hard to believe that he's Peter's best friend and roommate. The freakin' Thanksgiving turkey has about as much screen time as Harry. Speaking of no chemistry, Peter and Mary Jane... Gah! And I thought the Annikin / Amidala Scenes from Ep. 2 were wooden. It's like they're reading software installation instructions. Peter (monotone voice): Mary Jane, I love you. I am not reading this off a card. Before you install or uninstall TextBridge Pro 8.0, exit from any open applications so that only Windows is running. There should be no applications listed in the task bar and no floating toolbars. For example, the Corel DAD and Office shortcut bar should not be running. (CTRL+ALT+DELETE to display Task List and 'End Task' on all applications except Explorer.) Oh, Mary Jane, I want to have awkward teenage sex with you. Mary Jane (monotone voice): Oh, Peter, I love you, too. TextBridge uses autorun for installation. If autorun does not work on your system, use the following procedure to install this version: 1. Put CD in CD-ROM drive (D: or the letter assigned to your CD-ROM). 2. From the Start menu, select Run. 3. Type d:\autorun.exe 4. Follow the on-screen instructions. Oh, Peter, I want to sex you up. I want to have your little Spider Babies. Or something like that. At least Willem DeFoe was good. In real life he looks like a comic book villain, so that's a gimme. His scenes were poorly directed, though. Better lighting and scenery could have made his "I'm slowly going insane" scenes into a dark, brooding comment on the fragility of the human psyche, or on Neitschze-an self-actualization or something. Insead, they come off like a self-serious highschool monologue (Full Disclosure: of which I have written my share). This film needed Tim Burton or David Lynch or someone else surreal and sketchy. Also, script doctors. And that's about all I have to say about Spiderman. The effects were special, though the rest was not. I think it really hit me when the Green Goblin crashes a party and blows up a whole city block. Balconies and massive twenty foot stone columns are falling onto the crowd below. What does does the crowd do, panic? What does does the crowd do, run like hell? No and no; they applaud wildly as Spiderman swoops out of nowhere to save Mary Jane, then leaves them to fight off the falling debris as he and MJ get some "alone time." Through it all, I found myself asking, "I spent two hours of my life watching THIS!?! I hope he drops her next time." posted by Nate on 10:56 AM link
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your stolen base are belong to Rickey Henderson. Questions or comments? Email nate@swankypimp.com |
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