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Saturday, May 17, 2003According to CNNSI, 73 players declared as "early entries" for the NBA Draft. This includes six highschoolers and 31 international players. Now I don't want to burst these guys' collective bubble, but ast time I checked, there are only 58 picks in the draft. Which means that-- even if no college seniors are selected-- 15 of these gentlemen will move on to a starring role in ESPN's "Lowdown: Life in the NBA Developmental League." Not all of the Europeans plan on getting drafted, of course, and they already have jobs in foreign leagues, so they have nothing to lose. It's the college freshmen I'm worried about. For selfish reasons, their families and posses push for them to leave school early and cash in, but these youngsters need to realize that only a lucky few of them will get guaranteed first round money. There are only 29 guaranteed roster spots, and most of those are low paying one year deals, not multimillion dollar superstar contracts; most of these 36 underclassmen will be getting near minimum wage in the European leagues if they're lucky. Perhaps had they stayed in school, these early entries would have learned that 73 is more than 58. But like Barbie famously said, "Math is hard." posted by Nate on 2:10 AM link Friday, May 16, 2003Just got back from the grocery store. No Guinness, alas, but I did see the most disturbing beverage mix of the week. Green Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. Green. Chocolate. It is some sort of promotion for the Incredible Hulk movie; that it is an Unholy Harbinger of Certain Doom to Those Who Dare Consume It, scribed in prophesey on the wall of an ancient Egyptian tomb, seems to have gone unnoticed. Stupid advertising execs. Green. Chocolate. So the next time you're at the supermarket and the profane army of the embalmed starts rampaging through aisle 10, drop your canned sliced carrots and start running, that's all I'm saying. posted by Nate on 1:58 PM link Guinness is good for you. "to fulfil all of your daily nutritional requirements you would need to drink a glass of orange juice, two glasses of milk, and 47 pints of Guinness." Two an hour, huh? I could do that. posted by Nate on 5:51 AM link Reefer Madness!!! Tommy Chong Pleads Guilty in Bong Sales. He owns a business that makes bongs and pipes, which is a big no-no in John Ashcroft's America. Chong is the first of 55 people charged with trafficking in illegal drug paraphernalia in the DEA's recent raids on head shops and Internet distributors. He faces a maximum sentence of three years in prison and a $250,000 fine; federal guidelines call for six months to one year in jail. Good deal by me: let's put those damn dirty hippies in prison, no matter how many millions of dollars and thousands of man-hours it takes! It's not as if we could better use those resources on something more important, like a war on terrorism. posted by Nate on 4:19 AM link Thursday, May 15, 2003National Review has a thought-provoking article by Michael Ledeen on SARS in China. He writes "I'm not so sure that the authorities were keeping the information from the people. It may well be that the people were keeping it from the authorities." Why? A Chinese official explains that people won't see doctors "because of an event that took place back in the late 1940s, following Mao's revolution. At that time, the government promised to eradicate venereal disease in China. And it did. Everyone was forced to undergo an examination by a certified doctor. And anyone with venereal disease was executed. Ever since, most Chinese stayed far away from medical doctors." Wait a minute? You mean that Mao was something other than a hep-cat model for an Andy Warhol silkscreen? No way. Next you'll be telling me that the Campbell's Soup Can created a famine that killed 30 million people during the Great Leap Forward or something. posted by Nate on 11:25 PM link To paraphrase the Lovin' Spoonful's John Sebastian, "Jean-Sebastien Giguere is magic, and his goaltending is groovy. It makes me feel happy, like an old-time movie." Jiggy's 4-0 win last night made him the the first goalie to open a playoff series with three straight shutouts since Toronto's Frank McCool in 1945. He is also the sixth goalie ever with three consecutive playoff shutouts. He is now less than a game away from the all-time playoff scoreless streak. I have no idea how long that streak is, however. According to CNNSI, it is 248:32 by Detroit's Normie Smith in 1936. According to ESPN, the record is 270:08 by Montreal's George Hainsworth in 1930. Giguere is currently at 213:17. Wow. I mean, he didn't have to be so nice; the fans would have liked him anyway. Okay, that was stupid. That's enough of quoting John Sebastian lyrics for now. But if Jiggy ever gets traded to the Predators, I reserve the right to quote "Nashville Cats" extensively. posted by Nate on 11:06 PM link Wednesday, May 14, 2003Dear Robert Horry, The ten years of improbable playoff clutch shooting I promised you expired yesterday, March 13. Per the agreement, I'll be stopping by today to collect your Immortal Soul. Cheers, Mephestopheles posted by Nate on 12:40 PM link Rickey Be Rickey. The New York Times has a brief interview with Rickey Henderson. Unfortunately, in the interview Rickey doesn't use much of his endearing, esoteric "Rickeyspeak" or talk in the third-person (the NYT probably ran it through the Microsoft Word grammer checker before printing it). Weird. But not as weird as the fact that Rickey, the world's greatest base stealer and run scorer, can't get a lowly bench job on a major league roster. This puzzles Nate. Ol' Nate thinks that Rickey is the second best left fielder of all time. Second only to that Ted Williams guy. Nate thinks Ridiculous Modern Day Barry Bonds wasn't as consistently good as Rickey, but RMDBB might make up for it with a few more of his insane offensive years. But Rickey didn't need no insane 70 homerun years. Rickey was one of the most exciting players ever, day in day out. He was money, Rickey was: everytime he came up to the plate you knew that Rickey'd get on base somehow, steal second, steal thrid, and score. He was a Run Waiting To Happen. Were the Detroit Tigers to sign Rickey, Nate would drive the 220 miles to the ballpark most every day just to see Rickey play. Nate thinks that, were the Tigers to sign Rickey, Rickey could teach young Andre Torres how to be a premiere base stealer in the league. And Nate also thinks that, were the Tigers to sign Rickey and Rickey to teach Andre Torres and Nate to drive to D-Town to see Rickey play ball during the time Rickey wasn't busy teaching Andre Torres, Nate would go to Detroit's "Greektown" following the games to procure dinner. Because when it comes to culinary delights, Ol' Nate digs that Greek Flaming Cheese. Oopah! Nate out. posted by Nate on 5:52 AM link Tuesday, May 13, 2003Like Dave Barry, I am not making this up: I am currently inhaling stale multicolored Lucky Charms flavored jellybeans I bought from a computer equipment supplier. I'll let you reread the preceding sentence in case you missed something. Ok, you're back. Let me explain. I do occasional computer upgrades and web page design for a magazine in town (they gave me the webspace for my articles and images as part of our deal for the site redesign, due this summer). A few months ago the power supply on one of their old machines started acting up and I had to replace it. Since it was an older machine, I couldn't find the part locally and had to order it over the Internet. I ordered it from a surplus store who promised a "surprise gift" with each order. When UPS delivered the power supply, I eagerly dug through the foam packing peanuts to find this "gift": a floppy disk? A CD-R? An overstocked pocket size oscilliscope? No. It was a largish bag of jellybeans. I set the pouch of Reaganesque goodness aside and forgot about it. Until last night. I wanted something to gnaw on while surfing the net, and I happened across the 'beans. But these were no ordinary jellybeans. No, they were "gourmet" jellybeans, as the packet proudly proclaims. there are fifty flavors, including Chocolate Pudding, Cappuccino, Strawberry Daiquiri, and Jalapeno. CHOCOLATE PUDDING. JALEPENO. Two great tastes that taste great together. Or not. Trust me. Do not indiscriminately eat a handful of these magic beans-- it will taste like an unholy mixture of cinnamon, Taco Bell, Lucky Charms, and undercooked turkey gizzards. One would think mixing flavors would be discouraged. One would be wrong. There are recipes on the back for mixing flavors. Again, I am not making this up. Mixing together six types of jellybeans yield a "banana split," for example. Four equals "mango tango salsa." But unless you want the culinary equivalent of the death of a thousand cuts, follow the included key, which links the color of jellybean with the flavor. Jelly Belly Gourmet Jellybeans: the only confectionary that comes with its own map. It's like a tooth-rotting sugary Bulgaria! I tossed the near empty bag on my scanner for your edification. front back Um, yeah. Recipes. For jellybean eating. Even more disturbing, their corporate headquarters is at One Jelly Belly Lane. Their website is even more interesting. They have "fun ideas" for incorprating jellybeans into your everyday life, like fun recipes, entertainment suggestions (invite your friends over for a "jellybean tasting"), and a bust of Elvis Presley made entirely of jellybeans! They also offer tours of not only their jellybean factory, but their middle-of-nowhere warehouse in rural Wisconsin ("a train ride of sweet discovery"). I wonder if this is some sort of trap in which they have a lifesize gingerbread house reinforced with butterscotch icing mortar, maintained by a Wicked Witch for the sole purpose of luring chunky German peasant children to their doom. I bet the Hansel-flavored bean would be a top seller. That would be the coolest thing ever. posted by Nate on 4:53 AM link Monday, May 12, 2003After two months of procrastination, I finally got off my lazy keister and put the media section online. It is mostly very old unpolished stuff from my old website, but is how I learned Photoshop and various audio/video editors Oh So Many Years Ago. I especially suggest the Captain Ahab wallpaper and the Skeletor Folk Song mp3. "Enjoy!" posted by Nate on 7:22 AM link Wayne Newton's Wallaby Lassoed After Escape posted by Nate on 4:34 AM link CoffeeNerdness: Beeraccino As I've probably mentioned before, I make very little money and live with my dad. It isn't glamorous, and it makes it difficult to bring women back to my pad for A Night of Seduction. But it has its perks, like no rent, free cable, and mostly free liquor. The occasional No-Cost Jim Beam and Coke is nice, but when it comes to beer my dad sucks. Seriously. I don't drink beer often, but when I do I spend a bit extra to buy Guinness or Heineken Dark or Sam Adams. By contrast, my dad buys discount beer that tastes like SARS-infected kangaroo peepee. Tonight, I felt like a beer. Excluding my secret basement stash of Sam Adams, we had two choices: Old Style and Old Style Light. Now, Old Style beer is a fine choice for, say, Wrigley Field on a lazy 90 degree summer afternoon. However, it is not fit for day-to-day consumption. Rather than raid the special occasion secret stash of Sam, I decided to try something I've been thinking about for a while: coffee flavored beer. I placed slightly under one teaspoon Folger's crystals in a blue plastic cup and added a can of Old Style. First impression: there is a lot of foam. The foam tastes weird, like a beer flavored egg creme, and has a strange fluffy un-beerlike texture. The occasional Folger's crystal doesn't dissolve and gets caught in the foam and rises to the top. Right when you're used to the unique flavor, you suck down this Clump O' Undissolved Crystals and get shocked back into reality. Gah! It's like having comically large needles inject boiling hot Kaluha into the tender skin underneath your toenails. Second impression: the caffeine and alcohol has interesting side effects, in that you get hopped up and relaxed at the same time. It's like a super low-key Irish Coffee sort of thing. Beer usually makes me tired, but not tonight: my mental faculties are gyrating around like a water drenched artsy interpretative dancing Jennifer Lopez. Conclusion: Aside from the Foam O' Death this is a really fine beverage. The coffee masks the rough edges of a lower quality brew, and, being a big coffee fan, I'm wondering if I might prefer this to lower quality dark beers. I have consumed four already. A big indicator of how drunk I am is the off-the-wall music selections I find the next morning in my CD player. ("The Cars' Greatest Hits? What the hell did I do last night?") Currently, I'll have you know, I am spinning the 1998 classic album Left of the Middle by Natalie Imbruglia. And singing along. Congratulations, Folger's Enhanced Old Style: a winner is you! posted by Nate on 4:21 AM link Years ago, Robert Berry was exceedingly funny when he wrote longer pieces for x-entertainment. I'm not a huge fan of his current site, Retrocrush, though he has the occasional piece of comic gold. Today he has a gallery of real-life bizzarre children's ceral boxes. Speaking of X-E, Matt has a ridiculously funny article on that cocaine-like childhood confection Fun Dip. posted by Nate on 12:40 AM link Sunday, May 11, 2003The UK's Observer has an article on Europe's aversion to genetically modiifed food, and compares it to the Y2K hysteria. "Just as the wised-up were certain that computers were going to crash at one minute past midnight on New Year's Day 2001, so they are now certain that GM food is unsafe and inferior." posted by Nate on 9:07 PM link "Word to Your Moms/ I come to drop bombs/ I got more rhymes than the Bible's got Psalms." -- Cypress Hill Happy Mothers' Day, everyone. Here is a celebratory poem I wrote, Big Willy Shakespeare -like. Feel free to e-mail it to your special lady. Mothers' Day Poem by Nate "Thug Life" Russo A mother is a special person Who is always there for you When things in life begin to worsen She's there to see you through Remember when you downed a whiskey flask and puked at Senior Prom Who picked you up, no questions asked? Your ever-loving Mom And like that time you went to jail for buying grass at Undergrad Mom was there to post your bail And never told your Dad Mom's always there to hold your hand Mom helps you out when you're in a jam Mom let you move back in again When you couldn't pay your bills To lessen your painful withdrawal from heroin She lent you her sleeping pills When you owed major cash for crack rock And your dealer came to collect Who pawned your grandma's jewelry box And gave him oral sex? Who put out the fire in your kitchen meth lab Before it enveloped you all? Who entombed the prostitute that you stabbed Inside her basement wall? Mom's always there to hold your hand Mom helps you out when you're in a jam A mother is a special person Who is always there for you When things in life begin to worsen She's there to see you through posted by Nate on 6:44 AM link Watching all this TV means exposure to New and Exciting advertisements. It's not very Zen of me, but I desire the Arby's Homestyle Pot Roast Sandwich. It looks really yummy on the television screen. I expect the real-life sandwich to taste marginally better than the pot holder mascot guy, but still... It is beef we're talking about, after all. This week it will be mine, oh yes... Anyway, Mike at Cold Fury beat me to it. He procured this delicious bit of cow-flavored nirvana and wrote a humorous review. The verdict: Not so good, Al. posted by Nate on 6:31 AM link
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your stolen base are belong to Rickey Henderson. Questions or comments? Email nate@swankypimp.com |
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