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Friday, January 09, 2004Tonight Phoenix goalie Brian Boucher broke the record for the longest shutout streak in modern NHL history. He hasn't been scored on in nearly five and a half hours of game play, posting a record five consecutive shutouts. Not bad, eh? A Tim Hortons bearclaw and coffee are on me next time he's in town. posted by Nate on 11:43 PM link Wednesday, January 07, 2004Nature is a Mother. On Friday it was 60 degrees and sunny; by Tuesday it was four degrees with twenty mile per hour winds and eight inches of snow. Suddenly it seems like winter. The sudden temperature drop has brought back our dear friend The Flu as well. Seemingly defeated, dead, and buried, Germs improbably burst from the grave and pursue us like George Romero zombies. Nowhere is safe! Not your workplace, not your car, not even your home. They will get you, there is no doubt. A lone Germ ambles up to you, seemingly harmless. You laugh at how pathetic it is and drink a tall glass of orange juice. Stupid Germ. But then you hear something behind you, see something in your peripheral vision. Your high spirits sink like that damn boat in that Leo DiCaprio movie. You know, the one where he draws the girl naked. You are surrounded by Germs. Helpless. It's only a matter of time. I'm going to bed now. posted by Nate on 8:15 PM link Sunday, January 04, 2004My dad is a real character and loves to mess with people on the telephone. More on that in a minute. The family has had an AOL account for seven years now, and the last three years no one has used it much. Dad has broadband, and my sisters have moved out and gotten their own Internet access, though they still use the e-mail and IM accounts. However, he's remained an AOL subscriber because they simply will not let him cancel. First off, they make it very difficult to find the phone number to unsubscribe. They want you to talk to a rep in an AOL chatroom so you can watch the AOL software suddenly barf all manner of whizbang new features on your screen. Like Athena springing from the forehead of Zeus, improved Instant Messaging Capabilities suddenly emerge from the dark recesses of AOL 9.0. How cool is that? say the hard sell salespeople. You decide to keep it for a few months to explore all the new features AOL has to offer. It's optimized now, you know. However, we have the secret digits that will put us in contact with a real live person. That's because I put up with thirty minutes of annoying AOL popups (A/S/L? A/S/L? A/S/L?) and intentionally poorly-designed navigation to find it. That was nine months ago. Whenever my dad calls to cancel, they give him a ten minute sales pitch, then offer him a few months for free. Since my sisters don't want to go through the hassle of registering for free e-mail and Instant Messager accounts, he consents. When AOL decides to bill his credit card six weeks later, we go through the same elaborate dance. But not this time. My dad decided to cancel for good. He called the secret number and talked to a customer service representative, whom I'll call Jennifer. Mostly because I don't remember her real name, but also because I like the name Jennifer. It reminds me of Larry Appleton's girlfriend on Perfect Strangers, and she was one classy dame. Ahh, Jennifer, mon amor! Je veux baiser votre main! Um, I digress. Anyway, Customer Service Rep Jennifer spent ten minutes trying to convince him that AOL was Better! Than! Ever!!! If he stayed on, Snoop Dogg and Jerry Stiller would come party with him. He could put them on his Buddy List, which he could now access on his cell phone. My dad remained calm and told them that he did not own a computer anymore. They informed him that that wasn't a problem,: they'd give him a computer. Okay... That's when my dad rolled out the big guns. He didn't need a computer, he explained, because he'd gotten rid of the old one for religious reasons. He was sick of decadent, sinful "English" society and was moving to farm country to live with the Amish. Yea, verily he would have no electricity for their Internet-ready computer, or cell phone IM's, or anything like that. He wanted to ride a buggy, not surf AOL 9.0 Optimized. Jennifer was nonplussed, since nobody resisted the siren call of free service and Snoop Doggy Dogg. She put Dad on hold while she got her manager to set him straight. My dad reiterated that he wanted to cancel, he had no computer and did not want one, he was moving to farm country to live with the Amish. Would Snoop help churn butter, would Jerry Stiller help raise a barn? Nay, he thought not. Eventually the manager gave in and agreed to cancel the account. However, he asked, since Dad was so religious, perhaps America Online could offer him a Great Deal on a church website? Heathen! Thou art truly clueless, and will surely burn in hell. Click. posted by Nate on 4:56 PM link
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your stolen base are belong to Rickey Henderson. Questions or comments? Email nate@swankypimp.com |
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