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Thursday, December 11, 2003Mmmm... Fruitcake. posted by Nate on 9:19 PM link Tuesday, December 09, 2003I'm watching the Democratic debate on CSPAN and I'm beyond underwhelmed so far. Al Sharpton and Carol Moseley Braun are like driving a souped-up offroad ATV at fifty miles an hour while pounding gins-and-tonic; they're exceedingly laugh-out-loud fun, but ultimately dangerous. On foreign policy it's sideways limbo-- how far left can you go? Since (due to political necessity?) all the Demos are bad on the War on Terror except maybe for Wesley Clark, I'll have to go with domestic issues to separate them. Lieberman is okay, though he's a panderer. Hey, as I typed the last two sentences Howard Dean just started hyping his domestic agenda, which I think is middle left in the English, slightly welfare-statey sense, not in the Road To Soviet Communism sort of way. I like Dean. By the way, John Kerry is an utter tool. The Catsup Baron just spoke about how the Republicans wanted to "diss" the third world. Huh? You're a Yale-educated fifty-something millionaire, not some crack dealer in South Central. This is the same guy who used the F word in Rolling Stone in an effort to appeal to younger voters; I have a cupboardful of wax paper that is less transparent. I can hardly wait until Doctor Dre runs for President and his foreign policy is predicated upon busting caps in the terrorists' collective ass. As for the F word itself, I defer to the South Park movie: Cartman: Don't call me fat, you f***ing Jew! Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word? Cartman: Jew? Kyle: No, he's talking about "f***". You can't say "f***" in school, you f***ing fat-ass! Cartman: Why the f*** not? Mr. Garrison: Eric! Stan: Dude, you just said "f***" again! Mr. Garrison: Stanley! Kenny: [Fmmph] Mr. Garrison: Kenny! Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. F***-f***ety-f***-f***-f***. Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor? Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls? Mr. Garrison: What did you say? Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was... [picks up a megaphone] HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS? Stan: Holy shit, dude! Geez, maybe I'm one of those South Park Republicans that the blogosphere is buzzing about. posted by Nate on 8:25 PM link Monday, December 08, 2003Despite being ranked #1 in both college football polls, the USC Trojans were not invited to the BCS title game in New Orleans. Right about now, every sports talk radio show is doing promos titled "B-C-Mess" or "No C, Just B.S." Unlike most people, I don't care that much. Actually, I do care a little, since a snubbed, torqued-off USC team can still win the Associated Press title with a victory and is therefore going to utterly destroy my Michigan Wolverines in the Rose Bowl. I'm guessing 35 - 10, 45 - 17, something like that. It'll be like one of those graphic pedophile serial killer documentries on A & E; you want to turn the channel, but there's something strangely compelling about the brutal inhumanity of it all. I digress. Here are my thoughts on the top three teams in the country, ranked according to the BTBSCS: The Butt Thumping Bitch Smacking Championship Series. In this highly scientific poll, a number of Internet opinion writers and computers calculated the top teams in the country. ("One" still counts as a number, right?) Without further ado (not to be confused with Frankie Adu): #1) LSU Tigers. I drove through Baton Rouge once; it's a surprisingly Big Ass city. I figured it would be a small college town, but there are far more skyscrapers and n lane highways than a city of 230,000 should possess. I wouldn't mind living there if it weren't for the devastating hurricanes and the sketchy weather. The humidity's a killer. Seriously, I was there in late January and it was sunny and seventy five degrees but cold and clammy at the same time. What the hell? It's like the entire state of Lousiana is baked inside one of those Duncan Hines Super Moist chocolate cakes. You know, the ones with real pudding in the mix. Speaking of mix, the Tigers "battered" Georgia the other night. (Cake Mix, Batter, get it? Har Har Har.) They play swarming defense and run the football, and get occasional big plays through the air. Offensively, they are the most balanced team left. They were #3 in the BTBSCS poll headed into this week, but that was before the computers factored in the .5 bonus points for "How Cool It Would Be To Be Part Of A Drunken Bourbon Street Rampage - Slash - Orgy Following An LSU Win - Slash - Loss." #2) Oklahoma Sooners. I never liked the musical "Oklahoma." I never liked musicals in general; I always thought they were sort of gay. Which is weird because I have nothing against gay people and have no problem watching a marathon of the Christopher Lowell Show. But I just don't like musicals, even hip young people musicals like "Grease," although I do like Olivia Newton John in tight black satin pants. She could be my naughty schoolgirl any time. Speaking of naughty schoolgirls, the Sooners were spanked silly by Kansas State in the Big Twelve title game. Quoth halfback Darren Sproles, "Who's your Daddy?" Boomer Sooner indeed. Oklahoma's run defense looked awful, and their one dimensional passing offense was exposed by a blitzing K State squad that could play man coverage against the phenomenal Mark Clayton. However, this was a loss to a preseason top five team which finished #8 overall, not a "we didn't show up" game against the Cal Berkeley Bears. It's Berkeley for crying out loud; they should be protesting football as a Barbaric Exhibition of Phallocentric Aggression and the Marginalization of the "Other" instead of putting thirty seven points of your defense. Also, OU hung fifty on #5 Texas in a rout six weeks ago, and that's enough to keep them in BTBSCS top two. #3) Southern California Trojans. Like Baton Rouge, I have also been to Los Angeles. Unlike my time in Baton Rouge, I got to meet all sorts of friendly crack addicts at an L. A. Greyhound station, and almost got attacked by a drunken three legged Rottweiler. (Seriously, it was licking a puddle from a discarded forty of St. Ides malt liquor when I strolled past, and between that, the sun, and the three legs stopped chasing me after two steps.) The thing that impressed me most about L.A. though is how driving into the city you don't see far-off skyscrapers beckoning you onward to the city of dreams: you see a green gray cloud of ash and smoke and noxious mung hovering over everything, and then you slowly realize that in sixty minutes you'll be breathing that shit into your lungs. It almost makes me want to join an eco-friendly commune. Speaking of communes, everyone wants USC to win the AP poll so there will be two champions. Titles for everyone! It will strike a blow at the Evil BCS Establishment, they say, and force us toward a more just football society where there are playoffs and more playoffs and it will be Utopia. Right. Just like in college basketball where some random 17 - 12 team makes it to the final four every year due to an improbable once in a lifetime upset of the 30 - 1 best team in the land. And there will be no more #1 vs. #2 controversies-- they'll be replaced by seeding controversies, like "why does USC have to fight through three top ten teams while OU has a first round bye and two creampuffs?" As for the Trojans' football team, they're good. In fact, they're Damn Good, or at least their offense is. Their D is mediocre at best, and gets put in pressure situations when the passing game is off. Note to Norm Chow: you have a backfield of three Marshall Faulk like talents, but that doesn't mean you should pass every down like Mike Martz. Run it once in a while. Conclusion And so those are the final BTBSCS rankings. Michigan finished #4 despite the quarterback prowess of John "The White, Unathletic Kordell Stewart" Navarre. Should Michigan find a way to hang with USC in the Rose Bowl, I'm sure Navarre will make his usual terrible decision in the fourth quarter to blow the game, just like Kordell's 90 yard touchdown pass to the Packers' Mike McKenzie yesterday afternoon. I can hardly wait for the Matt Gutierrez era to begin. And finally, in closing, I just want to say: The BTBSCS rankings do not currently carry the weight that they should. For those of you who vote in other polls, please remember: a vote for USC is a vote for COMMUNISM. posted by Nate on 11:18 PM link
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your stolen base are belong to Rickey Henderson. Questions or comments? Email nate@swankypimp.com |
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